My Inner Ballerina

In order to graduate, I have to take a few Fine Arts classes. This semester, I signed up for Intro to Dance. Envisioning waltzes, salsa and tango, I was met with grand jete, 5th position, and cross-body exercises that allow me to become one with my inner dancer. Too bad that inner ballerina jumped ship years ago with her friends Grace and Poise.

I feel so awkward in this class its not funny. Kids fear dodge ball and being picked last in gym class, I fear any type of dance that is not ballroom.

Here’s the thing. I can appreciate dance, its beautiful. But. I struggle so much with my body image and how I perceive myself physically, I end up psyching myself out over things that require performing in front of other people. I try so hard not to care, but the effort goes out the window the minute we do floor exercises for the class and I have a theory as to why.

I love to swing dance. Love love love it. I am always up to ballroom dance, and I can even handle lyrical dance with a group of people with me. Having people to back me up or even literally hold me up seems to banish all nervousness (well, most of it…). A support system of friends emotionally is so important to me, and it translates into other areas of my life, like dancing, to the point where I’d just as soon have them with me all the time. If only it were that simple and possible.

While I am so thankful for everyone I have in my life that has been with me through tough times and fun times, I’m glad I’m taking this dance class. It’s helping me to physically learn to depend on myself a little bit and move away from always needing other people. I’ll never stop needing my friends and wanting to be able to confide in them, but perhaps it is good I learn a little more independence and positive self-esteem. The class is making me more comfortable with myself emotionally and physically and I feel better for it. If I get nothing else out of this class, I would be OK with it. This is something I wish I pushed myself to do years ago, but better late than never, right?

Speaking of late, its 1:08 am. I think this is the end of this post. Time for bed 🙂


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